I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.