Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video