Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police