Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me: