What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere