cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know