“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Breaking news:
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”