My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.