Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
This meeting could have been a cake
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.