So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*