Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
You Might Also Like
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
#Caturday
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese