The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.