Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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I thought this was funny lol
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
HELP 😭
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends