Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!