HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Dear Lord..
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter