Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]