“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Happy Star Wars day!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left