I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.