That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Every work call, he judges.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Well well well…