All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
TODAY
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious