Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?