It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You Might Also Like
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Guys, I found it.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Breaking news:
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.