Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Never forget.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target