When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
What the dentist sees
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28