Oh deer
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a badder mouse
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
me linking you to my twitter
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.