Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

So the ex texted me

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you