*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Velcrow
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster