Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
You Might Also Like
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!