Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
good work, everybody
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Did I do this right
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
🙏🏾
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.