[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost