if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭