I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I wish I were this cool 😂
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?