Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.