Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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I know this now 😂
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Still a very good boi….
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Gemma Correll
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.