Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
found my next D&D character name
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.