What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
me hitting on a model
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time