Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me: