Many hands make light work
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
so weird how every mom was born today
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.