too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
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Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Barbie gone wild
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’