Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.