Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
A game married people play.
no cat here
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.