“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
inappropriate Care Bears be like: