馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Sure, I鈥檒l load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
i mainly don鈥檛 bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you鈥檙e looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON鈥橳 THEY?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
so much to do
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
馃幎 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 馃幎
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done