The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
can you read it!!??
maan!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
new career option?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?