ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart