Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
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I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.