Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.