When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.