if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
(Electricians.)