[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks